Depression
by TraceAce
Summary: A depressed Jeff Hardy considers taking his life. Will he do it or will he change his mind?


Jeff stared blankly at the knife in his hands. What the hell was he doing? Thinking? His face showed streaks of dried tears, and he momentarily swallowed the lump in his throat. This was going too far. He felt sick to his stomach. When did it get this bad?  
  
The stress was killing him. He had to keep up with such a tight schedule. Most guys his age would be partying. He wished he could do that now. No, he was sitting in his hotel room, thankfully..THANKFULLY alone, a sharp blade in his hand and a beer on the dresser next to him. Could he go through with it? It would only take one swipe, one. It'd hurt for only a few seconds. Then his body would be numb. What would it be like to take a last breath?  
  
It started 2 months prior, when he was driving with his brother. They were being reckless, or, he was anyway. God, if only he could change the past. He didn't see the car moving until it was too late. He slammed on the breaks but it was too late. He blacked out seconds after the impact.  
  
When he awoke, he was attached to all sorts of machines. He couldn't breath on his own. He almost destroyed a lung. He did, however, destroy his arm. It was almost splintered, but the nurse outside it would heal. The nurse..she walked in and regarded him with sympathy. The first thing out of his mouth was the question that was obvious: Was Matt alright? The nurse looked at him then and dread filled his entire body.  
  
He was the only one to survive from both cars. He had killed 3 people, a man and women..and his brother. The man and women, he found out, had a baby..A BABY. The baby would never see it's parents again. He sat up with difficulty and threw up quickly. He was a murderer. A killer. He should have died with them.  
  
The courts slapped him with community service, only because the sister of the mother he had killed for some reason pleaded the judge to let him off. He wanted to be killed though. He couldn't live with the guilt. He tried to keep a straight face to it, but sometimes he couldn't hold it in and he'd cry. He'd never see his brother again. Ever.  
  
He couldn't face his parents any longer. He felt outcasted from the family. He felt outcasted from his friends. He felt outcasted from his fans. Hell, he was outcasted from himself. This is how he got to this point. It was getting too much for him. He lightly glided the blade on his wrist. How long would it hurt? He figured just a minute or two before the blood loss completely numbed his arm.  
  
He heard a knock at the door. He regarded it with annoyance. This would not do if someone found him and saved him. He slipped the knife until his drawer and wiped his face before opening the door. Samantha stood there, smiling slightly. He looked miserably at her. She was his girlfriend, but did she care? He didn't know; didn't want to know even.  
  
"Hey Jeff! You don't look so good." she smiled, her usual kind voice coming through. "Want me to get you something?"  
  
"No thanks." he said. "What's up?"  
  
"Nothing. Adam invited me to go along with him and Jason to check out the town but I told him I wanted to stay with you." she explained. "We need to hang out more, I mean, you are my boyfriend."  
  
"Does Adam know that?" he asked supiously.  
  
"Everyone knows. You didn't want me to keep it a secret, did you? I was so happy when you asked me out." the smile on her face was genuine, and Jeff felt better just looking at her.  
  
"Well..um..come on in." he moved to the side and she walked past him and he closed the door.  
  
"Clean as always." she comment, looking about. Jeff shrugged.  
  
"Want to listen to music?" he offered. She nodded.  
  
"Sure!" she agreed. He walked to the stero that was in his hotel room and turned it on. Both he and Sam loved Blink 182, so he put that CD. The usual upbeat, zany songs began to play as he sat next to Sam.  
  
"These guys are so cool." she commented and she snuggled against Jeff. Jeff hesitated before slowly putting his arm around her.  
  
"Yeah." he agreed. He noted very suddenly that one of the best songs on the CD, "Adam's Song", was playing now.  
  
I never thought I'd die alone   
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?   
I traced the cord back to the wall   
No wonder it was never plugged in at all   
  
I took my time, I hurried up   
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough   
I'm too depressed to go on   
You'll be sorry when I'm gone   
  
I never conquered, rarely came   
16 just held such better days   
Days when I still felt alive   
We couldn't wait to get outside   
  
The world was wide, too late to try   
The tour was over, we'd survived   
I couldn't wait 'til I got home   
To pass the time in my room alone   
  
I never thought I'd die alone   
Another six months, I'll be unknown   
Give all my things to all my friends   
You'll never step foot in my room again   
  
You'll close it off, board it up   
Remember the time that I spilled the cup   
Of apple juice in the hall   
Please tell mom this is not her fault   
  
I never conquered, rarely came   
16 just held such better days   
Days when I still felt alive   
We couldn't wait to get outside   
  
The world was wide, too late to try   
The tour was over, we'd survived   
I couldn't wait 'til I got home   
To pass the time in my room alone   
  
I never conquered, rarely came   
Tomorrow holds such better days   
Days when I can still feel alive   
When I can't wait to get outside   
  
The world is wide, the time goes by   
The tour is over, I've survived   
I can't wait 'til I get home   
To pass the time in my room alone  
  
When Samantha left, he took out the knife again. He looked it over and let out a breath. No, he couldn't do it. This was stupid. Matt would have killed him if he was alive. He had Sam..he knew it the minute he saw her beforehand. He threw the knife into the drawer where he found it. Suddenly another knock at the door sounded and when he opened it he saw Adam, Chris, and Jason standing there.  
  
"Jeff buddy! Come on! We're going to the new dance club that opened up near here!" Chris said in his usual enthusiastic voice. Jeff smiled slowly.  
  
"OK, let's go." he agreed before he was nearly carried away from his hotel room.  
  
He couldn't change the past, but he could save his future.  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
